Lately, I've been thinking, I want you to be happier.

I woke up to the melodious sounds of a pissed off hen, squawking incessantly at the crack of dawn. Letting me know that a sliver of sunlight has graced the skyline, and thus, time to get out of the coop. In a flash, the day starts. Today was just like any other Monday morning, but it felt different. I was struggling. I've spent the last several weeks with my face in a book, and it's been stressful. Stressful, and I've taken very little time to breathe. I've not felt the sunshine on my face in what seems like forever. And just when I think it is never going to come, the sun finds its way out, and shines bright enough to pull the rough and tattered edges of my soul back together again. Happiness and laughter finds it way back in through the cracks and the strains, and I am reminded of what happiness is to me.

This morning while I was taking my children to school, I had a few minutes with the Wild Thing. Her school starts considerably later than the other three. This is usually the time that she and I spend talking about whatever is on her mind. It's 30 minutes where it is just me and her, and I treasure it. It almost feels stolen, because for those precious few minutes, she is just mine. It's this small window into her world, that I am allowed into, and she is unapologetically herself. I just look at her beautiful little face and admire the world through her eyes. I know I am running on borrowed time. I know that some day, these precious minutes will disappear, but for now they're mine.

While we were sitting in the car this morning, she started singing. Beautifully, unafraid, and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I've heard her sing before, and I know she has a beautiful voice. It's just today, she was happy. She was sunshine and light. Bright and warm enough to warm the very dark and coldest parts of my soul. She looked like a little angel. She didn't have a care in the world. At one point she closed her eyes, and then she turns to me, and smiles. And that's when I'm impacted by the severity of the situation. For three minutes, this little beauty shared her light with me. She warmed parts of my soul that I didn't even know existed. It took her three minutes to fix months of damage and neglect.

I think that joy is contagious or at least it should be. She shared her happiness with me like beaming rays of the warmest sunshine. I took a few minutes, composed myself, and sent her to class. But from that moment on, there was a little more bounce in my step. That sweet, sometimes crazy kid reminded me that there is always beauty in life, if we are willing to slow down just for a few minutes and find it. And I think that when you find a little piece of that, you should share the hell out of it. Because someone’s everyone can use a little happier.

I showed that video to friends and coworkers, and watched one by one as smokes spread across their faces and a little bit of joy found its way in. I watched worry lines and scowls fade. I had shared 3 minutes of my happy with them, and it prompted them to recall a similar situation that they were witness to. And for 5 solid minutes, the conversation is about joy.... nothing else. Every single time I watch that video... I feel as if my heart could burst, because it gives me so much joy. That may seem like a small thing, but those small things are EVERYTHING to someone who is struggling.

So, today... find the joy. Find a few minutes of happy and hold on to it until you think your heart is going to burst. And then share the hell out of it. You never know who you can save with 3 minutes. The joy comes around so often, but we are so oblivious to it because of everything else we do. The world tells us everyday that we won’t be happy unless we have obtained something. We have to work and have big houses and jobs, and have a million other things that really mean nothing. Happiness and joy is all around you all the time. Stop a minute, breathe, and find that joy. You deserve reckless happiness and sunshine in your life always. So find it, share it, or be it.

Because, lately, I’ve been, I’ve been thinking. I want you to be happier.

💚

-A

Impossible

I've been surrounded by books and paper for three months. I returned to school in May, and my schedule is incredibly busy. I still work at least one day a week, more if possible. I am a wife to my husband, and my most important job... I'm a mother to 4 incredible tiny humans. These days, I wear more hats than I can usually hold. It is hard, and exhausting. There is never a day where I can stop and pause for a minute. This whole experience has made me realize one very important thing. Every single thing that I struggle through, every mountain top I climb, every failure, broken heart, every single step forward I take no matter the size... it's all growing me. The thing about growing, is that eventually... you start to notice that things, people, places, and ideas no longer fit. Then, your left with a choice. Do you move and continue to grow, even though it may mean that you have to let go of things that you once treasured? Or, do you hold on, and make yourself smaller to fit a life and a situation that you've outgrown?



I keep looking up at the faces of my children as I am writing this, and the only thing that I can think is... I want more. I want smiles, and laughter, and joy. I want more sunshine, rainy days, and days driving down a long dirt road with the windows open I want more bright colored chalk drawings on the sidewalk and popsicle kisses. I want more snow angles, nights by the fireplace, and Harry Potter-a-thons. I want more date nights, and more cups of coffee with my husband at the kitchen table. More lunch dates with my sisters, more glasses of wine and antique trips with the girls, and slumber parties with all my nieces and nephews. The "things" that I want now, are less "things". They're moments, with my people. It's time, and people, and memories that I crave. Time to make memories with my people.



A few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you what I wanted or how I wanted to grow. I don't think I could have imagined who I'm becoming then. I never would have imagined the mistakes, failures, and heartbreaks I'd go through to get here. I believed that I would always have the same people and destiny. I believed that there were things that were just too impossible and improbable for me to accomplish. I believed wrong. The woman I'm becoming, she's done so much more than anyone ever imagined. I've got so much to learn and I still have so much growing to do, but the moments and time, and people, they're worth every single second of it.



Growth, it's painful. It's hard work, and it's exhausting. One day, I woke up and everything I once had imagined as impossible and improbable, are now within my reach. I also realized that I had lost a bit along the way. For every one thing or person that I lost, I gained so much more room to grow. Everything that was taken or lost was given back tenfold. I don't work as much, but I see my children every day and I have the chance to follow my dreams. I lost some people, but I learned to lean on my husband more. I remembered that he was the first to know all my secrets and flaws, and love me anyway. I learned that when my heart is broken and battered because I've given too much, that he's still the one that wipes it clean and makes it whole again.



 I gained a handful of incredible women who push and encourage me. They teach me (literally! haha), they're faithful and protective. I learned that there are still those that will pick up the phone at 1 am from 8 hours away to make sure I'm ok after a bad day. There are still people that pray for me, and celebrate with me. The people presently in my life, they grow me. I laugh more, love more fiercely, give more, listen more, and reach further than I ever could.



The hardest part of growing, is letting go of the stuff that no longer fits. Letting go means giving into the unknown. It's keeping your heart and mind wide open. It's trusting that no matter how far forward we go, we are going to end up where we need to be.  By definition, it's faith. All of our lives, we are told to have faith. Growth and faith go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.



 I cant tell you that I have liked every thing that has grown me. Again, growth is painful and uncomfortable. It's supposed to be. Every day, I grow... I learn. I learn more about myself and what I believe in. I learn about the kind of mark I want to leave on the world. I become more brave, and stronger. I reach out further, and love more. I walk beyond the boundaries of what I was comfortable with a little further everyday. I love the woman that I am becoming, She is strong, kind, loving, intelligent, and most importantly... she is free. She believes...



 "in the midst of overwhelming evidence of the impossible, if you concede to concede to the idea of the impossible.... the impossible isn't quite so impossible after all. In the few moments of sheer humility and utter humanity and terror that you realize that science and reason have failed you, you can see that the world is in-fact a magical place, if you're willing to reach out and let go."



Growth is scary, but it's never more scary than staying stuck in a season you no longer belong in. So, concede to the impossible, because you are stronger and more brilliant than you know. Every trial, every hardship, every battle, every lesson has grown you. Life will grow you to the place where you belong. It will take you to the place of bright colored chalk sidewalk drawings and popsicle kisses. I hope you do. I hope growth finds you and takes you to the moments in life where you have to have faith and reach out. I hope it brings you your dreams.



You are brilliant, intelligent, strong, and resilient. Concede to the impossible and find the magic in the world again. Let the trials and tribulations grow and mold you into a place where you can finally understand that nothing is impossible. You are the impossible, and the only thing holding you back........is faith.



XOXO,

-A

Suga, how you get so fly.

Tomorrow is my daughter’s 12th birthday. I almost have a teenager living in my house, which makes me feel both sad and old. Kyrie was born two months after my 20th birthday. I was trying to figure out life, how to be a wife, and how to be this tiny human’s parent. By the grace of God, I managed to figure some of it out and raise a handful of beautiful children. The last 12 years all Ive wanted to do was be the best parent I could. I’ve held them, picked them up when they fell, fought for them... fought with them. I wanted to set an example, for them.

Yesterday while having a conversation with Kyrie, she said something that shook up my whole life. She said, “I learn best by watching you be real. I’ve learned the most from you when you’re not trying to be a “good” example. I think the most perfect thing you’ve taught me is that the flawed you, the person you are when you think no one is watching... is the bravest and most beautiful woman Ive ever met. You’re the strongest person I know. The entire word could be on fire and you’re going. To find a way to make it through that, mom. You taught me to treasure who I am, and no hide away from the world. You’ve taught me to be real. That’s the most important thing.”

And as you can imagine, I was in tears. Because, the I am a fricking mess. I’m usually running 10 minutes late for everything, with my make up in my bag and mismatched socks... and anymore, I 100% do not care what anyone thinks. If you walk into my house and there’s loud music coming from the kitchen, it’s because I’ve had a bad day... and dancing is mandatory. And I maintain that just being a decent person is better than having to explain yourself later when you’re not. There are a million things that I do, that I never think twice about. I just try to get through life with some sanity intact, and THIS is the shit my kid learns from. 

My kid doesn’t watch me try to put on my cape and save the day. She watches me dance in the kitchen while I’m making dinner. She watches me get out of bed, get ready for work, pack lunches, and fold a load of laundry. She watches me help the boys with their homework while helping her sister bake cookies. She watches me balance life. It’s never, ever going to be perfect... but she sees that she can be a good person, and a good parent, and be a boss. Everything that I do... every hurdle I jump over, ever obstacle I make it through.... she sees. She learns that she can do it, she can handle whatever life throws at you. She learns how to flex and adapt. 

This made me wonder... am I reaching far enough? Do I expect enough out of myself or can I reach further and accomplish more. And, truthfully... the answer, is no. I’m not reaching enough. I very rarely take care of myself. Im out of shape, I’m usually 10 minutes behind for everything, and as much as I love what I do... I do not love where I work. I need to dream bigger dreams, make bigger goals... and work for them. I am a badass woman. I deserve to have badass stuff happen to me. And she deserves to see me do it, so that she knows it’s always within her reach. No matter what it is.

Empowerment ladies, is never defined the same way for the same woman twice. Empowerment is whatever sets your soul on fire. It’s the stuff that reminds you that you are a beautiful, badass woman.. capable of hard things, and deserving of good things. Empowerment is simply the shit that makes it possible for you to set yourself apart from every other woman. It’s the stuff your daughters admire and learn from. It’s the shit that makes you fly as hell. 

So, I’ve let my hair down.... set my alarm an hour earlier, and laid out my running shoes. Because, I am a beautiful, badass, determined woman. I can’t  quit now, because I deserve everything. And the little eyes that watch me, she deserve to know that she is badass in training... learning from a pro. 

“Suga, suga, how you get so fly?”  I hope her response is, “I learned it from my mama.”  

Your princes and princesses are watching how you rule, be the best damn Queen in the land. 

❤️-

A

Soul Resolution

Welcome to the New Year. As of today there are 332 days left in this year, which means there are 332 opportunities to either completely wreck yourself, or to completely change yourself. Everyone is making resolutions to be drastically different from the previous year. They’re going to loose 70 pounds, and quit smoking, and get out of debt... whatever it is, the new year brings change for many. The questions is.. how much change can one person actually take before reverting back to old habits? And was it really worth it in the end?

I don’t do resolutions. Typically because I don’t believe that the bright and shiny start of a new year is ever enough motivation to commit to anything. Change comes whenever a person is ready, not because the ball dropped at midnight in Time Square. Maybe that’s a cynical view of change, but let’s face it... Rome wasn’t built in a day, and breaking a bad habit sure as hell isnt going to happen over night. No, I prefer the rational, maybe slightly cynical and pessimistic idea of change. It happens when a person is ready and not a second before.

Neither here nor there, I spent the better part of last year reflecting on myself and choices I had made. A lot of which, frankly, sucked.... but the worst choices, the ones I looked at deeply... were mostly related to people. I believe in the human element, and I believe that you should always be open to be the human element to anyone in need. Because you just never know, you never know when your words or actions could be enough to change someone forever. However, my light, energy, and heart are things that I don’t have to share all the time.

I’ve said it once or twice, that I tend to keep people. But I learned that I keep people closer to my light than they deserve to be. I have held so tightly to a few people, that I didn’t realize that I was slowly burning myself. And what for? These people only come to me when they need something, and I am usually there to help in whatever way I can. There are people in your heart that use you as a consolation prize. They come to you when they’ve come up short. People I’ve been friends with for years.... and I realize, that they only call or text when they’ve come up short somewhere. I realized this, then I got pissed. Pissed because these were people that swore they’d always be there for me... and weren’t... and pissed because I let it happen. I’d let my heart get broken more times than I could count, and the worst part.... there’s no one else to blame.

Clarity is a bitch sometimes. I could sit here and wallow.... and cry... but that’s never been me. I have chosen, however, to take the next 332 days to stand back... heal myself... and try to change the way I think. I will always be the human element, and I will still keep people, just in case... but I can distance myself. I can grow myself and my light. It is ok not to be someone’s consolation prize. It is ok to help them up if they need it, and it’s ok to walk away once they’re up. You don’t have to be everything to everyone.

I have big plans for myself this year. I have 332 days to try and get them right. I will spend more of my light and energy on myself this year, and I will not feel bad for doing so. One day these people will wake up, and see that they’re so far away... or they won’t. They’ll either realize that they’ve actually messed up, or they will blame you for not being there. If they’re meant to stay, they’ll find a way to be there. They’ll make your friendship, love, and light a priority.... not a last resort. And if they don’t, well... then they’ve cleared room for someone else who will deserve to be.

I may only have this one, small flame... but I know how to build a fire. This year, I will not be your consolation prize. I will no longer make absent people priority. My life, my family, my friends, my work.... that’s what I will be focused on. I deserve more. I deserve peace, and growth. I deserve more than what those people were ever willing to give. I deserve the human element, not just to be it... but to receive it.


You do not have to be anyone’s consolation prize. Spend the next 332 days building your own fire. Do whatever you need to do, and say whatever you need to say. Make the damn mistakes until you get it right, there are plenty of do overs. Whatever it is you need to do, do it. But remember that your light and heart deserve some rest. You deserve the human element. Step out of your comfort zone and let someone be the human element. Receive it, grow it, share it... do whatever sets your soul on fire. It’s easy to be the human element, but receiving it.. that’s a whole new game. Stepping out of bounds, getting uncomfortable... personal... even.

359 days left... the only thing left to ask is... what are you going to do with them? I hope you grow your fires. I hope you find this year makes you stronger, and brighter with each chance you make. Make a mistake, crash and burn... then heal. Whatever you do, make sure you mean it.

❤️-
-A