I've been surrounded by books and paper for three months. I returned to school in May, and my schedule is incredibly busy. I still work at least one day a week, more if possible. I am a wife to my husband, and my most important job... I'm a mother to 4 incredible tiny humans. These days, I wear more hats than I can usually hold. It is hard, and exhausting. There is never a day where I can stop and pause for a minute. This whole experience has made me realize one very important thing. Every single thing that I struggle through, every mountain top I climb, every failure, broken heart, every single step forward I take no matter the size... it's all growing me. The thing about growing, is that eventually... you start to notice that things, people, places, and ideas no longer fit. Then, your left with a choice. Do you move and continue to grow, even though it may mean that you have to let go of things that you once treasured? Or, do you hold on, and make yourself smaller to fit a life and a situation that you've outgrown?
I keep looking up at the faces of my children as I am writing this, and the only thing that I can think is... I want more. I want smiles, and laughter, and joy. I want more sunshine, rainy days, and days driving down a long dirt road with the windows open I want more bright colored chalk drawings on the sidewalk and popsicle kisses. I want more snow angles, nights by the fireplace, and Harry Potter-a-thons. I want more date nights, and more cups of coffee with my husband at the kitchen table. More lunch dates with my sisters, more glasses of wine and antique trips with the girls, and slumber parties with all my nieces and nephews. The "things" that I want now, are less "things". They're moments, with my people. It's time, and people, and memories that I crave. Time to make memories with my people.
A few years ago, I wouldn't have been able to tell you what I wanted or how I wanted to grow. I don't think I could have imagined who I'm becoming then. I never would have imagined the mistakes, failures, and heartbreaks I'd go through to get here. I believed that I would always have the same people and destiny. I believed that there were things that were just too impossible and improbable for me to accomplish. I believed wrong. The woman I'm becoming, she's done so much more than anyone ever imagined. I've got so much to learn and I still have so much growing to do, but the moments and time, and people, they're worth every single second of it.
Growth, it's painful. It's hard work, and it's exhausting. One day, I woke up and everything I once had imagined as impossible and improbable, are now within my reach. I also realized that I had lost a bit along the way. For every one thing or person that I lost, I gained so much more room to grow. Everything that was taken or lost was given back tenfold. I don't work as much, but I see my children every day and I have the chance to follow my dreams. I lost some people, but I learned to lean on my husband more. I remembered that he was the first to know all my secrets and flaws, and love me anyway. I learned that when my heart is broken and battered because I've given too much, that he's still the one that wipes it clean and makes it whole again.
I gained a handful of incredible women who push and encourage me. They teach me (literally! haha), they're faithful and protective. I learned that there are still those that will pick up the phone at 1 am from 8 hours away to make sure I'm ok after a bad day. There are still people that pray for me, and celebrate with me. The people presently in my life, they grow me. I laugh more, love more fiercely, give more, listen more, and reach further than I ever could.
The hardest part of growing, is letting go of the stuff that no longer fits. Letting go means giving into the unknown. It's keeping your heart and mind wide open. It's trusting that no matter how far forward we go, we are going to end up where we need to be. By definition, it's faith. All of our lives, we are told to have faith. Growth and faith go hand in hand. You can't have one without the other.
I cant tell you that I have liked every thing that has grown me. Again, growth is painful and uncomfortable. It's supposed to be. Every day, I grow... I learn. I learn more about myself and what I believe in. I learn about the kind of mark I want to leave on the world. I become more brave, and stronger. I reach out further, and love more. I walk beyond the boundaries of what I was comfortable with a little further everyday. I love the woman that I am becoming, She is strong, kind, loving, intelligent, and most importantly... she is free. She believes...
"in the midst of overwhelming evidence of the impossible, if you concede to concede to the idea of the impossible.... the impossible isn't quite so impossible after all. In the few moments of sheer humility and utter humanity and terror that you realize that science and reason have failed you, you can see that the world is in-fact a magical place, if you're willing to reach out and let go."
Growth is scary, but it's never more scary than staying stuck in a season you no longer belong in. So, concede to the impossible, because you are stronger and more brilliant than you know. Every trial, every hardship, every battle, every lesson has grown you. Life will grow you to the place where you belong. It will take you to the place of bright colored chalk sidewalk drawings and popsicle kisses. I hope you do. I hope growth finds you and takes you to the moments in life where you have to have faith and reach out. I hope it brings you your dreams.
You are brilliant, intelligent, strong, and resilient. Concede to the impossible and find the magic in the world again. Let the trials and tribulations grow and mold you into a place where you can finally understand that nothing is impossible. You are the impossible, and the only thing holding you back........is faith.
XOXO,
-A
No comments:
Post a Comment