In to you like a wrecking ball.

.I woke up this morning and swore to myself that today would be a good day. I swore I’d get my crap together, I’d bake some cookies and be super woman. And then, I looked out the window and saw that it was freezing and abandoned that idea for a cup or two..(ok, so three) of coffee and watched BFG with Caden. By the way, BFG does not in-fact mean, “Big Frickin Giant”, oddly enough. Anyway... so, I’m sitting there and from out of no where, a memory hits me, right in the feels. And I struggled. I really miss my friend. I miss laughing and talking and texting on the phone for hours just because. I miss that person. There is a void and an ache in my life, and I am struggling to deal with that.

 People, man we are fricking enigmas. The creator is a skillful master engineer, if you take us apart and look at what makes a person.. it’s amazing. An incredibly delicate and diverse system of checks and balances. We’re works of art, we’re complex and intricate. Everything has a place and a function, and it’s almost absurd to imagine that one emotion... one feeling... one thought can shake the chain that holds us together. In spite of this incredible independantly, self sufficient machine, we are codependent. We will not thrive without another human. Our entire system malfunctions when we are alone for too long. Our brain stops firing and networking, and our bodies literally start shutting down.

We were created with emotions, and an entire network of neurotransmitters that respond to human elements. They send impulses to our brain, and we're hooked. Touch, smell, sound, sight, taste... all things that are seemingly small enough, but really... they're bombarding our nervous system and drawing serotonin, dopamine...endorphins into our blood, and before we know it, we’re strung out on the human element. We need the next hit to survive. So how do we survive when the drug is taken away? It’s simple, like any addict, we withdraw.

We begin to breakdown. It starts to hurt. We feel sad, sadness that is so deep.. We call it “heart ache” and being “heartbroken”. It’s literal hell on earth. Loss of the endorphins and hormones cause a crash, and we feel weak. We begin to cry, because even though this ache isn’t physically... we can’t get past it. It begins the crash. His is where we feel like we may never be able to move forward. This is where we lay on the bathroom floor and wonder what’s left for us. This is the part where we have a choice. Choose to get up and fight through the pain and the ache of the withdrawal, or give up.

My friends, this is the part where deciding to pick yourself up off that floor and fight is the bravest thing one can do. Choosing to pick your life back up, and fight to keep going. Even if you only manage to keep breathing tomorrow. Even if the only thing you do correctly is tie your shoes, you moved. Love is probably the hardest drug to kick. The people we love are engrained into our being. Friends, family... they are our drugs of choice. It’s so hard to move through because more often than not, before we’ve moved through the first hit.. we’re being taunted The the possibility of another. It’s a viscous cycle, but damn... can it be beautiful.

So, even though I’m moving through this loss, and this heartache. I will continue to put one foot I. Front of another, and on the days that I can’t walk, I’ll craw. I’m not the warmest person, but I do know that I will feel that high again. I know that tomorrow, I will love someone else who will let me down or hurt me. I know that even though there’s this possibility that they will take their love and run, I know I have the strength to survive. I know that I was created to love and be love. I was created with the human element. I know that inspite Of all of the imperfect love that I’ve experienced in life, I know that there is one perfect love, I know that he is waiting for me to see what’s in front of me. I know that in God, there is perfect love. And that fixes me. That gives me strength to keep up the fight.

So, I’ll fee these feels, and I will let out the tears. I will breathe and smile. Because tomorrow, maybe I won’t miss my friend, or maybe they’ll realize that they miss me too. Or maybe someone will be brave enough apologize. Maybe not. And maybe, who knows, maybe I’ll make a new friend. Maybe, you’ll choose to fight through. Maybe your heart will heal and be shiney and new. Maybe you’ll let go of your addiction, or find a new one. We are just human, after all.

So, tonight let the feels come into you like a wrecking ball, and remember it’s ok to be sad and hurt. But remember, this is not a place it’s safe for us to stay. We are the element of human nature, and in order for any of us to survive, in order for the next heartbroken person to survive... we must forget being afraid, and be or take the next hit.

Be brave. Breathe deep, feel it, let it go, have faith you will survive, and reach out to another. Breathe and reach across that line. You were made for love and to be loved, you were made not only to need but to be the human nature.

I told you, it’s frickin beautiful.

Just. Beautiful.


✌🏻❤️-A

Two doves, U2, and coffee.

This morning my alarm went off at 6:15, unlike most days where the abrupt shrill of my alarm at 0530 is nearly the epitome of the destruction of my soul. Not today, today... the sun shone brightly and the sounds of my children's laughter echoed down the hall. They got ready for school, and at 7:20 we walked out of the door to make the 4 minute drive to school. My radio played, "Bare Naked", and for about 6 solid minutes... life made perfect sense. I dropped them off on the street curb in front of the school, waved good-bye, and made the venture back home. For the first time in a week, I'd seen a splinter of peace and joy... which was abruptly shattered by the her behind me honking because I wasn't moving fast enough in the TWO LANED drop off zone in front of the school. .

I had just come off a 4 day rotation reminiscent of hell. The only thing missing was the fire, and even that, I'm not entirely sure was missing as I do believe someone called a code red in the ER. I was exhausted, and empty. The night before Id internally collapsed. I felt like I literally had nothing left to give. I had zero desire to move from my bed, or to "people". Months of exhaustion, heartbreak, stress, and every other emotion that I could possibly shove down into to the deepest and darkest recesses of my soul had finally piled up. I'd forgotten all of the little things that made me really happy in life, and now only had coffee and the business end of another busy week keeping me going. But for some reason, I'd turned on some music while I was cleaning the kitchen...and U2 was playing in the back ground. (Whatever, who doesn't like U2?) And that's when I see it.

Two perfect grey doves sitting on the cinderblock fence. So, I just started, because around here, we don't get doves often. We get pigeons and crows, and occasionally sparrows... but nothing pretty in town. So, I just watched these doves for a few minutes, did nothing else. And in those slow moments, those few seconds of still peace... I realized that I was the only person to blame for my exhaustion. I was the one who was so busy trying to survive life, that I forgot to love it. And when you realize you have no one else to blame, well... frankly, it sucks rocks. Big. Fricken. Rocks.

So, I find those moments now. Those moment when there's laughter and love, and for a few minutes... the world is righted. I note them, and hold on to them. I absolutely will never have my crap together 100%, but I can tell you that I'll always give this part 100% of my effort. Because someday, our lives are going to flash before our eyes. Someday we'll be getting off the ride. And I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what would have happen if I'd have just paid a little more attention to those perfect moments. It won't matter how successful we've become, or how important we were to the world.. you can't take wealth and fame with you. I want the moment, I want the joy.

I digress...if you're still hanging on and I haven't lost you with my sappy ass feelings, then maybe I have something I can share. I dont have an agenda to follow. Maybe I can only make you laugh with my epic failures and disasters, or maybe I can help you see a new way of thinking. Maybe I could be a friend. Whatever...  This is the beginning of my story. This is my first step on my grand adventure, this is my course through the vapid enigma we call life. This is my disaster... Welcome, glad to have you along.

✌🏻-A