This morning my alarm went off at 6:15, unlike most days where the abrupt shrill of my alarm at 0530 is nearly the epitome of the destruction of my soul. Not today, today... the sun shone brightly and the sounds of my children's laughter echoed down the hall. They got ready for school, and at 7:20 we walked out of the door to make the 4 minute drive to school. My radio played, "Bare Naked", and for about 6 solid minutes... life made perfect sense. I dropped them off on the street curb in front of the school, waved good-bye, and made the venture back home. For the first time in a week, I'd seen a splinter of peace and joy... which was abruptly shattered by the her behind me honking because I wasn't moving fast enough in the TWO LANED drop off zone in front of the school. .
I had just come off a 4 day rotation reminiscent of hell. The only thing missing was the fire, and even that, I'm not entirely sure was missing as I do believe someone called a code red in the ER. I was exhausted, and empty. The night before Id internally collapsed. I felt like I literally had nothing left to give. I had zero desire to move from my bed, or to "people". Months of exhaustion, heartbreak, stress, and every other emotion that I could possibly shove down into to the deepest and darkest recesses of my soul had finally piled up. I'd forgotten all of the little things that made me really happy in life, and now only had coffee and the business end of another busy week keeping me going. But for some reason, I'd turned on some music while I was cleaning the kitchen...and U2 was playing in the back ground. (Whatever, who doesn't like U2?) And that's when I see it.
Two perfect grey doves sitting on the cinderblock fence. So, I just started, because around here, we don't get doves often. We get pigeons and crows, and occasionally sparrows... but nothing pretty in town. So, I just watched these doves for a few minutes, did nothing else. And in those slow moments, those few seconds of still peace... I realized that I was the only person to blame for my exhaustion. I was the one who was so busy trying to survive life, that I forgot to love it. And when you realize you have no one else to blame, well... frankly, it sucks rocks. Big. Fricken. Rocks.
So, I find those moments now. Those moment when there's laughter and love, and for a few minutes... the world is righted. I note them, and hold on to them. I absolutely will never have my crap together 100%, but I can tell you that I'll always give this part 100% of my effort. Because someday, our lives are going to flash before our eyes. Someday we'll be getting off the ride. And I don't want to look back on my life and wonder what would have happen if I'd have just paid a little more attention to those perfect moments. It won't matter how successful we've become, or how important we were to the world.. you can't take wealth and fame with you. I want the moment, I want the joy.
I digress...if you're still hanging on and I haven't lost you with my sappy ass feelings, then maybe I have something I can share. I dont have an agenda to follow. Maybe I can only make you laugh with my epic failures and disasters, or maybe I can help you see a new way of thinking. Maybe I could be a friend. Whatever... This is the beginning of my story. This is my first step on my grand adventure, this is my course through the vapid enigma we call life. This is my disaster... Welcome, glad to have you along.
✌🏻-A
