Today, I walked outside, barefoot and felt the cool water cover my feet. I felt each raindrop kiss the top of my head. It rarely rains here, but it's always welcomed. The chill in the air is refreshing and bright, it's like an embrace. It's home. I can breathe, and for just a few moments... I feel like you are here again. I can almost hear your laughter and smell the dew kisses and coffee. Praise and worship music plays gently through my kitchen, just like it used to in your kitchen. So much of you exists within these 4 walls that you barely walked through. I often find myself wondering what you would have thought of my life now, and the woman that I am becoming.
It is in these brief moments of ridiculous, fleeting nostalgia that I can see the broken pieces of myself. The last conversation we had will be forever etched in my mind. I think it's because you knew that one day I would be ready to understand. You said that, "Goodness in a person is there just because they are good, not because someone is standing there evaluating every action they take. The same can be said for someone's worth and love. They're not things that you earn, if you have to earn it, it's not for you and it's time to walk away and find the things and people that are right for you." Those words have stuck with me. Today for the first time in my life, I heard the sound of my two feet walking away from things that are not meant for me. I splashed my feet in small puddles, even though it was cold. Even though people stared, even though I am a 36 years old. I allowed just a little bit of warmth and light back in, felt the cold breath in my lungs.
When I was little, you once took a few of us kids on a drive, in your new Caddy after a heavy rain storm. There were puddles and tiny little frogs everywhere. We drove down a dirt road in the headlights of your car, jumping in puddles, catching little frogs. It seemed like it took us hours, but you laughed with us the entire time. We were covered in mud, and knocked over the box we swore to keep the lid on, and sent what seemed like billions of tiny frogs all over your caddy. Something about jumping puddles in the headlights of your car, seeing you laugh and shake your head. Remembering how you wiped mud off my cheek, then kissed my forehead when we got home. I felt awful because we had tracked mud everywhere and made a huge mess, but you hugged me tight...and made me promise that I would be a puddle jumper forever. That was the safest, warmest, and most loved and treasured I had ever felt in my entire childhood.
I've spent so much of my life being anything but a puddle jumper. I gave until I had nothing else to give. I allowed myself to be a doormat for some people in my life. I thought if I worked hard enough or achieved enough, I would be worthy of the love of those around me. I don't have to bleed love for anyone because blood was already given for me. My worth and my heart are gold that I do not have to keep pulling apart for anyone. I get to stand in the rain and jump in the puddles. I get to enjoy the sound of my own heart beating in my own ears. So, this morning I made a new plan for my life. I am allowing myself the right to be still, to be whole, and to find myself again. To be a puddle jumper. The people that I have surrounded myself with require nothing from me. They don't ask me to do anything other than to be the best version of myself. They encourage me, they build me up. I have had to do nothing to earn and keep their love. They love the puddle jumper, mess that it may be, but whole and without reason.
I'm learning to love the sound of rain again, and how cool water feels on the skin as it splashes through the puddles. It will take a few puddles before I really find myself again. Change never happens all at once, it takes time. Just like time that passes in between each rain storm.
So, the next time that it rains, do me a favor and jump. Allow yourself those few moments of ridiculous, unadulterated, fleeting nostalgia, close your eyes and remember a time when you were playing in the rain. Love the puddle jumper you see when you close your eyes.
