I see you there, and before you start criticizing the extra weight on your thighs, and the frown lines on your forehead, I’m going to stop you. I’m going to stop you before this garbage even begins to tumble into your mind. I’m going to remind you of all of the things you’ve done, and every single obstacle you have overcome to become the woman standing there. I’m going to remind you of every single thing that God used to grow you, and affirm your beautiful presence. I’m going to remind you of why you love yourself, and why that’s ok, and why it’s ok to be you. Because, I see you standing there, and I want you to remember so much of what made me.
I survived a tumultuous childhood. I laugh and say I was basically raised by wolves, but for the most part, I raised myself. I grew myself wild, and with little boundaries. I worked hard, and in spite of the fact that it was always around me... I stayed out of trouble for the most part. I stayed many weekends in reading. I smiled, even though waters were troubled all around me, I somehow managed to find higher ground, and even though I was drowning, you would have never known it. I never let it let me sink. I never sunk. 31 years later, and I still refuse to sink.
In spite of the fact that I lacked in the parental guidance department, when Kyrie was born... I swore I’d be the best damn mother I could. I didn’t know how, or if I was even capable of keeping a child alive, but I swore, I’d be the kind of woman for her.... that I needed when I was a little girl. I am not the perfect mother, but God, I love my children fiercely. They are my heart, and I’ve never let more than a few minutes pass by before I remind them of how much I love them. I promised I’d always be present l, and I’d always be open and be as kind and as patient as I could. I swore , I’d raise good people. Who are helpful, thoughtful, and kind, and I would do this in spite of all of my short comings. I’d be an example of His hands and feet, and I would do my best to always choose the higher road, and to let them see me help when it is needed. I promised to get my hands dirty and make loud memories for them to hold on their hearts. I promised to be better than what I was shown... and I’m raising 4 of the kindest, most generous, thoughtful, and loving people I’ve ever known. They’re selfless, and wonderful, and so damn smart. I did that.
I hold on to people, no matter what happened, or how long it’s been, if you reach out and you need me, I will be there. I have had the same phone number for years now, because I’m afraid to change it because there may be someone who will only be able to remember it when they need a friend. I am not an overly affectionate person, but I have dropped everything, drove 7 hours after working a night shift, and sat up with someone all night, and held their hand as they put the pieces of their world back together. I did stay up with someone all night, because I DO know how to save a life.
I fought for my Husband. I am not the best woman or the easiest woman to love. I am so stubborn, and I hate to admit when I am wrong. I tackle conflict head-on, I am loud, opinionated, and strong willed. But I woke up one day and realized that the man sitting across the room from me was my best friend. I told him my every fear, and secret, and I cried on his shoulders more times than I could count. I shared laughs and heart breaks, and he is in nearly every single good memory I’ve ever had. I remember how heartbreaking it felt to think about not ever making memories with this man again. How sad it was to not hear our laughter or share our stories. I promised that even though I had no earthly idea how to be a, “good wife”, I’d be better. I promised that he would always be first. I’d be his best friend again, and I’d be the one that made the light twinkle in his brilliant blue eyes. He is the first person I call, he’s the first person I text, and he’s always the first person I want to talk to about everything, because he is everything. I have everything.
I have scars, marks, and bumps everywhere. My journey is mapped on my soul, and it’s been a crazy one, and it’s not always been easy. It has however, been damn beautiful. It’s a mess of tragic chaos, comedy, romance, a little sadness, a lot of adventure, and it has a damn amazing heroine. It’s my journey. It is uniquely and wonderfully mine. I was equipped with a perfect cause. Some day, at the end of my life, and watch the sun set on this beautiful life I’ve lived. Some day, my children will think back on the memory of me fondly and they’ll miss me. It’s all a person could ever ask for, a beautiful story. You’re writing a beautiful story. A freaking. beautiful. story.
So, while you’re standing there in the mirror looking, be kind to me. Remember all of the reasons that I love her, that I love me, and I love my journey. Be kind.
To all the beautiful souls standing there scrutinizing themselves in the mirror. Find time to tell the woman or man in you all the reasons you love yourself. Be kind to yourself, and remember the freaking queen/king you are. And for God’s sake, please pick up your damn chin
The crown slips when your chin is pointed down.
❤️
-A
Thursday, February 15, 2018
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
Looking for a match
It’s a new year! Ok, so I’m a little late, first month into the new year and everyone I know is making some kind of resolution they’ll never be able to keep. Adulting is hard, especially when you give yourself an ultimatum. Like.....”This year, I am done with sugar and I’m going to the gym and I’m going to loose 69 pounds by August!” For some people that’s entirely possibly, some people have it within themselves to be that strict and committed. The rest of us, well... we should start small and just aim to start walking around the block three times a week. This is why I haven’t set any fitness goals for mysef, also why I haven’t ever called one of the girls that I work with to train me again. I know I will go maybe a month and do fine, and then that will be it.
I am a realist. I know what I need to do, but yet somewhere over the course of time I forget that I am actually capable of achieving the goals I set for mysef. I sort of drift in and out of confidence, and when I fail... I begin that process of self loathing and shaming mysef. Strange, how I am always harder on myself for the let down than I am when others let me down. I’m constantly so much harder on myself. And here’s the horrible, ugly truth; I am so much harder on mysef, but I never go all in on mysef. I never invest in mysef and have as much faith in myself as I do other people and things. I’m a good woman, I’m not perfect, but I am a good woman. So why is it so difficult for me to invest in myself?
Everyone at some point fails. Humans are not perfect. We’re indecisive, we get restless, and we make rash decisions on what we want the most in the moment. We’re impulsive and selfish. That is the nature of our beast. Yes, I called humans beasts. We are animals, we throw caution to the wind and hope for the best sometimes, even though we know... when the sun rises in the morning, we’re going to be broken-hearted and disappointed. But the question remains, why do we work so much harder on commitments for someone else? Why is that we can give all of ourselves for another person, but we can’t do it for ourselves? I can’t be the only one with this character flaw.
I’ve given and given so much of mysef to the people I like be, to the point where I no longer have anything to give to myself. I run through life sometimes a little jaded, bitter, and cold. I never even notice when I’ve given up on mysef. I never notice until I’m face down, broken, and trying to figure out out how the hell I got here... and what I’m going to do now that I am. I’m broken, and more hurt than I could have imagined. And then what?
In the short list of people I’ve ever been able to depend on, I get shit done. I work hard, I’m stubborn, and I rarely give up. I have the ability to remain calm under pressure, I think outside the box, and I can manage massive amounts of chaos. I flawed, but I am good. I am jaded, but I still feel it. Every single day, every single time. I come back again and again despite being exhausted.. I fight hard. And sometimes, after a long shift, when I’m exhautsed... I take my children to get dinner from a drive through. None of the traits I’ve described are those of a perfect person. I’m never going to be, but I am good. I’m a damn good woman, and I’ve lost so much gambling on everyone else.
So, today I’m going all in. I will no longer be bound to my friggin flaws. I will walk with my damn head help higher, and I will give to myself. I will be the woman I dreamed I’d be when I was a little. I’m going to take back the pieces of me that I gave to people that don’t deserve me. I am going to allow mysef to heal, and rebuild. I’m going to enjoy every single day that my 5 year old still looks for my hand to hold when we’re walking in the grocery store. I’m going to laugh more with my children, and I’m going to make more time to share all my secrets with my husband. I’m going to go back to school, I’m going to finish and do all the things that I set out to do, but never quite finished because I didn’t have enough invested in mysef. I’m investing more time, more faith, more dreams, happiness, and most of all... I’m investing more damned love.
We can’t expect to get anywhere if we don’t give ourselves what we need. You can’t fuel the flame that drives you if you never feed the fire. We live in a world that is so blatantly helpless. There’s already so much hate floating around. We live in a time that it’s acceptable to give up and cop out on yourself. There’s little motivation to go all in on yourself, because we’re told that no matter what... everyone gets a prize. I don’t want the entitled consolation prize. I want what I’ve damn well earned, and I know that I’ve earned something better for myself. You deserve something better for yourself.
Whoever you are, you deserve the good. You deserve the joy. You deserve the happiness from accomplishing your biggest and wildest dreams, even the drains that terrifiy the hell out of you. You deserve the right to be blissfully happy in loosing yourself. You deserve the peace that comes from standing in the middle of the middle of the hurricane and watching it destroy all of the excess shot around you, and you deserve the excitement of starting a new foundation from that rubble and rising up anew. You deserve the thrill of rolling the dice that are in the palm of your hands. You are too good to be so damn self distructive. You can be a little selfish, and it’s ok.
So, how about trying this again. My spirit has been broken for so long. I think it’s time that I let these wings heal again, enough to take me back to the start. Back to the days of U2 and putting little pink bows in my baby girl’s hair. I’m going back to find the place where I cashed out my own chips. I will remind myself what it feels like to embrace my mess, and have faith that no matter who I do or how bad I screw up... someone will always be there to catch me.
I think you should too. I think you deserve it. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of your resources and encouragement than yourself. Invest in yourself. Roll your own dice, and take a risk on yourself. Take what you need.
I want what is mine. Wake up, pray, fight hard, play harder. I have two dice right in the middle of my own hand. I won’t let anyone else roll them for me. I’ve got this. So to those who were so willing to roll the dice for me... watch out. I believe now that I breathe fire. I will burn all those little demons of doubt and criticism right out of me. I will be taking control from here, I deserve more, and I will burn bridges and use the light to guide me long the path to a new way. You can do it too. Pick your head up and walk in like the glorious bitch you are.
The dealer is changing hands. I am not afraid anymore.
Are you?
-A
I am a realist. I know what I need to do, but yet somewhere over the course of time I forget that I am actually capable of achieving the goals I set for mysef. I sort of drift in and out of confidence, and when I fail... I begin that process of self loathing and shaming mysef. Strange, how I am always harder on myself for the let down than I am when others let me down. I’m constantly so much harder on myself. And here’s the horrible, ugly truth; I am so much harder on mysef, but I never go all in on mysef. I never invest in mysef and have as much faith in myself as I do other people and things. I’m a good woman, I’m not perfect, but I am a good woman. So why is it so difficult for me to invest in myself?
Everyone at some point fails. Humans are not perfect. We’re indecisive, we get restless, and we make rash decisions on what we want the most in the moment. We’re impulsive and selfish. That is the nature of our beast. Yes, I called humans beasts. We are animals, we throw caution to the wind and hope for the best sometimes, even though we know... when the sun rises in the morning, we’re going to be broken-hearted and disappointed. But the question remains, why do we work so much harder on commitments for someone else? Why is that we can give all of ourselves for another person, but we can’t do it for ourselves? I can’t be the only one with this character flaw.
I’ve given and given so much of mysef to the people I like be, to the point where I no longer have anything to give to myself. I run through life sometimes a little jaded, bitter, and cold. I never even notice when I’ve given up on mysef. I never notice until I’m face down, broken, and trying to figure out out how the hell I got here... and what I’m going to do now that I am. I’m broken, and more hurt than I could have imagined. And then what?
In the short list of people I’ve ever been able to depend on, I get shit done. I work hard, I’m stubborn, and I rarely give up. I have the ability to remain calm under pressure, I think outside the box, and I can manage massive amounts of chaos. I flawed, but I am good. I am jaded, but I still feel it. Every single day, every single time. I come back again and again despite being exhausted.. I fight hard. And sometimes, after a long shift, when I’m exhautsed... I take my children to get dinner from a drive through. None of the traits I’ve described are those of a perfect person. I’m never going to be, but I am good. I’m a damn good woman, and I’ve lost so much gambling on everyone else.
So, today I’m going all in. I will no longer be bound to my friggin flaws. I will walk with my damn head help higher, and I will give to myself. I will be the woman I dreamed I’d be when I was a little. I’m going to take back the pieces of me that I gave to people that don’t deserve me. I am going to allow mysef to heal, and rebuild. I’m going to enjoy every single day that my 5 year old still looks for my hand to hold when we’re walking in the grocery store. I’m going to laugh more with my children, and I’m going to make more time to share all my secrets with my husband. I’m going to go back to school, I’m going to finish and do all the things that I set out to do, but never quite finished because I didn’t have enough invested in mysef. I’m investing more time, more faith, more dreams, happiness, and most of all... I’m investing more damned love.
We can’t expect to get anywhere if we don’t give ourselves what we need. You can’t fuel the flame that drives you if you never feed the fire. We live in a world that is so blatantly helpless. There’s already so much hate floating around. We live in a time that it’s acceptable to give up and cop out on yourself. There’s little motivation to go all in on yourself, because we’re told that no matter what... everyone gets a prize. I don’t want the entitled consolation prize. I want what I’ve damn well earned, and I know that I’ve earned something better for myself. You deserve something better for yourself.
Whoever you are, you deserve the good. You deserve the joy. You deserve the happiness from accomplishing your biggest and wildest dreams, even the drains that terrifiy the hell out of you. You deserve the right to be blissfully happy in loosing yourself. You deserve the peace that comes from standing in the middle of the middle of the hurricane and watching it destroy all of the excess shot around you, and you deserve the excitement of starting a new foundation from that rubble and rising up anew. You deserve the thrill of rolling the dice that are in the palm of your hands. You are too good to be so damn self distructive. You can be a little selfish, and it’s ok.
So, how about trying this again. My spirit has been broken for so long. I think it’s time that I let these wings heal again, enough to take me back to the start. Back to the days of U2 and putting little pink bows in my baby girl’s hair. I’m going back to find the place where I cashed out my own chips. I will remind myself what it feels like to embrace my mess, and have faith that no matter who I do or how bad I screw up... someone will always be there to catch me.
I think you should too. I think you deserve it. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of your resources and encouragement than yourself. Invest in yourself. Roll your own dice, and take a risk on yourself. Take what you need.
I want what is mine. Wake up, pray, fight hard, play harder. I have two dice right in the middle of my own hand. I won’t let anyone else roll them for me. I’ve got this. So to those who were so willing to roll the dice for me... watch out. I believe now that I breathe fire. I will burn all those little demons of doubt and criticism right out of me. I will be taking control from here, I deserve more, and I will burn bridges and use the light to guide me long the path to a new way. You can do it too. Pick your head up and walk in like the glorious bitch you are.
The dealer is changing hands. I am not afraid anymore.
Are you?
-A
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