It’s a new year! Ok, so I’m a little late, first month into the new year and everyone I know is making some kind of resolution they’ll never be able to keep. Adulting is hard, especially when you give yourself an ultimatum. Like.....”This year, I am done with sugar and I’m going to the gym and I’m going to loose 69 pounds by August!” For some people that’s entirely possibly, some people have it within themselves to be that strict and committed. The rest of us, well... we should start small and just aim to start walking around the block three times a week. This is why I haven’t set any fitness goals for mysef, also why I haven’t ever called one of the girls that I work with to train me again. I know I will go maybe a month and do fine, and then that will be it.
I am a realist. I know what I need to do, but yet somewhere over the course of time I forget that I am actually capable of achieving the goals I set for mysef. I sort of drift in and out of confidence, and when I fail... I begin that process of self loathing and shaming mysef. Strange, how I am always harder on myself for the let down than I am when others let me down. I’m constantly so much harder on myself. And here’s the horrible, ugly truth; I am so much harder on mysef, but I never go all in on mysef. I never invest in mysef and have as much faith in myself as I do other people and things. I’m a good woman, I’m not perfect, but I am a good woman. So why is it so difficult for me to invest in myself?
Everyone at some point fails. Humans are not perfect. We’re indecisive, we get restless, and we make rash decisions on what we want the most in the moment. We’re impulsive and selfish. That is the nature of our beast. Yes, I called humans beasts. We are animals, we throw caution to the wind and hope for the best sometimes, even though we know... when the sun rises in the morning, we’re going to be broken-hearted and disappointed. But the question remains, why do we work so much harder on commitments for someone else? Why is that we can give all of ourselves for another person, but we can’t do it for ourselves? I can’t be the only one with this character flaw.
I’ve given and given so much of mysef to the people I like be, to the point where I no longer have anything to give to myself. I run through life sometimes a little jaded, bitter, and cold. I never even notice when I’ve given up on mysef. I never notice until I’m face down, broken, and trying to figure out out how the hell I got here... and what I’m going to do now that I am. I’m broken, and more hurt than I could have imagined. And then what?
In the short list of people I’ve ever been able to depend on, I get shit done. I work hard, I’m stubborn, and I rarely give up. I have the ability to remain calm under pressure, I think outside the box, and I can manage massive amounts of chaos. I flawed, but I am good. I am jaded, but I still feel it. Every single day, every single time. I come back again and again despite being exhausted.. I fight hard. And sometimes, after a long shift, when I’m exhautsed... I take my children to get dinner from a drive through. None of the traits I’ve described are those of a perfect person. I’m never going to be, but I am good. I’m a damn good woman, and I’ve lost so much gambling on everyone else.
So, today I’m going all in. I will no longer be bound to my friggin flaws. I will walk with my damn head help higher, and I will give to myself. I will be the woman I dreamed I’d be when I was a little. I’m going to take back the pieces of me that I gave to people that don’t deserve me. I am going to allow mysef to heal, and rebuild. I’m going to enjoy every single day that my 5 year old still looks for my hand to hold when we’re walking in the grocery store. I’m going to laugh more with my children, and I’m going to make more time to share all my secrets with my husband. I’m going to go back to school, I’m going to finish and do all the things that I set out to do, but never quite finished because I didn’t have enough invested in mysef. I’m investing more time, more faith, more dreams, happiness, and most of all... I’m investing more damned love.
We can’t expect to get anywhere if we don’t give ourselves what we need. You can’t fuel the flame that drives you if you never feed the fire. We live in a world that is so blatantly helpless. There’s already so much hate floating around. We live in a time that it’s acceptable to give up and cop out on yourself. There’s little motivation to go all in on yourself, because we’re told that no matter what... everyone gets a prize. I don’t want the entitled consolation prize. I want what I’ve damn well earned, and I know that I’ve earned something better for myself. You deserve something better for yourself.
Whoever you are, you deserve the good. You deserve the joy. You deserve the happiness from accomplishing your biggest and wildest dreams, even the drains that terrifiy the hell out of you. You deserve the right to be blissfully happy in loosing yourself. You deserve the peace that comes from standing in the middle of the middle of the hurricane and watching it destroy all of the excess shot around you, and you deserve the excitement of starting a new foundation from that rubble and rising up anew. You deserve the thrill of rolling the dice that are in the palm of your hands. You are too good to be so damn self distructive. You can be a little selfish, and it’s ok.
So, how about trying this again. My spirit has been broken for so long. I think it’s time that I let these wings heal again, enough to take me back to the start. Back to the days of U2 and putting little pink bows in my baby girl’s hair. I’m going back to find the place where I cashed out my own chips. I will remind myself what it feels like to embrace my mess, and have faith that no matter who I do or how bad I screw up... someone will always be there to catch me.
I think you should too. I think you deserve it. I can’t think of anyone more deserving of your resources and encouragement than yourself. Invest in yourself. Roll your own dice, and take a risk on yourself. Take what you need.
I want what is mine. Wake up, pray, fight hard, play harder. I have two dice right in the middle of my own hand. I won’t let anyone else roll them for me. I’ve got this. So to those who were so willing to roll the dice for me... watch out. I believe now that I breathe fire. I will burn all those little demons of doubt and criticism right out of me. I will be taking control from here, I deserve more, and I will burn bridges and use the light to guide me long the path to a new way. You can do it too. Pick your head up and walk in like the glorious bitch you are.
The dealer is changing hands. I am not afraid anymore.
Are you?
-A
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