I though that when I became a parent of a wise-ass, slightly rebellious child, I’d be older than 31. Yeah, I thought I’d have a few more years before the tears and “You don’t understand”, and woe is me. Yeah, that was a nice thought. I found myself a week ago, staring down my 11 year old daughter, contemplating pulling every single hair out of my head in utter frustration. Yeah, it was literally one of the hardest moments that I’ve come across in parenting. I’d just gotten home from work, 12 hours in purgatory. I gave report, and frickin ran, or as close to it as I can get. I am exhausted, my fuse is unusually short, I’m staving, and I’m exhausted. Did I mention exhausted?
For the sake of time, I’ll cut to the chase. Our disagreement was over homework. She swore up and down that she did not understand it, and that it was too hard. She just didn’t think she could do it. But when she sat down, she knew exactly what to do. Getting her to actually sit down was damn near impossible. The more I tried to help, the harder she fought against me. I was so frustrated, she was frustrated and angry. She’s brilliant, and head strong, brave, kind, and selfless to the point of near set destruction. And in the moment that I was struggling to figure out how to get through to her, I came to an abrupt and difficult conclusion. I realized she is me.
When I was a kid, growing up... I struggled. All through school, I struggled. I couldn’t learn the way everyone else did. I had to read it, see it done, read it, and then do it myself....it took me longer to learn, and to this means it takes me longer. Even though she learns different, she is still me. We’re different, we don’t think the same way everyone else does. Instead of seeing one point of view, we consider them all. It can never be just black and white for us. The world, after all isn’t black and white, when you stop to smell the roses.
That’s when I took a breath, and tried to think about what I needed when I was her age. What I needed was someone to try and understand me, someone to tell me I was ok. I needed someone to be there for me to fall back on. I needed someone to let me know that it was ok to come undone, I needed to be told that I didn’t have to understand it all. I needed someone to tel me that it was on to be me. That even though I saw things differently and learned differently, I was ok. I would be ok, and that I was not alone. I needed someone to take me into their arms and just listen, make me feel safe, because in this world, I was a walking target.
So, I grabbed my daughter in the middle of a melt down, raised her eyes to mine and said, “It’s ok. I know what you’re feeling, and it’s ok. I get you, and I love you, and while I know it doesn’t ever feel like it, I promise you... everything will work out. God does not make mistakes, ever. When he made you and I, he made us a little different for a reason. You have a divine purpose on this earth, one that was commissioned especially for you. If you didn’t think this way, and you weren’t a little different from everyone else, you wouldn’t be able to walk this path. And it’s not easy, it will never be easy, It’s called a journey, a path, a road. It’s long and uneven and bumpy and difficult, and sometimes there’s a fork and it becomes easy to get lost. It’s all about the destination and when you get there you will realize why you were chosen for this. You will realize that you were part of the few that were strong enough to manage a journey down a road less traveled. You will understand that there is a different between a road and a pretty paved, and mostly even street. You are strong, you are amazing, and your journey was commissioned by the Father himself to do something amazing. So let these people, every single one of them, throw things into your path. Let them talk and laugh, because while they are busy trying to break you and tear you down, baby girl, you will be building your empire. So let them throw stuff into your path, pick it up and use it to build your foundation. They will never know that they weren’t breaking you, but feeing and fueling the flame that became a wildfire and changed the world.”
So, we sat and had tea and chatted about her plans, and the world righted itself. She will be strong and brave, and everything I could have ever dreamed of. So much stronger and braver than I could ever be. My purpose, my journey, my struggles ensure that my daughter will not go through the same. She will never feel less than amazing, because I never intend to let her for her to forget that her purpose is divine me and she is equipped perfectly. I will make this life different for her. I will be her safe place, her harbor from the storm. I will embrace the mess that I am, and show her how to be unafraid to be herself.
So my challenge to everyone, as we’ve entered into the new year. My challenge to you is to embrace your mess, and find your road. Everyone was designed with a purpose, everyone has a God given destination. There is a purpose out there for you, that you were made especially for. Those little quarks and differences you have, they weren’t meant to conspire against you. They were made to equip you for your path. Don’t ever forget it. Use the crap people throw at you to build your empire, don’t let them break you. You can do this. You will see, in time why you were selected for this path. Remember the road less travled is bumpy, and long, and winding, and it’s hard. If it were smooth, paved, and mostly even, it would be called a street.
And I don’t know about you, but I like the view better anyway.
-A
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